‘The protector spirit’
A shamanic concept that gave me another angle on what is usually described as ‘the ego’, and some helpful ways to work with it.
A long time ago I walked into a shaman’s ‘jungle’ and my life was changed forever.
The shaman in question was Shaman Durek, aka Durek Verrett who I probably need not introduce. Despite whatever your opinion of him may be, if you even have one, I walked into his then garage '“jungle” and was floored with the first demonstration of legitimate psychic ability I’d encountered.
My introduction to Durek was him perched in the corner of a dimly-lit, creatively decorated garage, as he held the presence of a wise yet unpredictable being of playful mischief. The moment I entered his space, he went into a deep and accurate intuitive analysis of who I was before I even said a word.
Over a period of 10 minutes, he told me things about me he had no way of knowing. He went into a stream of consciousness about how I think, how I resolve conflicts, specific subconscious beliefs and deeply personal info that nobody knew. I said nothing the entire time. It’s info hard to glean from anyone using purely body language cues and shocked silence in a dark room.
I felt shock, awe, confusion and inspiration. This was the first time an intuitive/psychic reading actually held weight. And better, was insightful beyond anything a web search, body language scan or similar would reveal.
However, the bit that really got me, was when he went into how I process anger, and it wasn’t just because it was accurate, but rather it was a great model for describing mental health challenges I’d learn to appreciate more and more over the years.
“You have a protector spirit”.
I asked him to explain further.
The rest of this is me paraphrasing from a memory from 15 years ago.
“Daniel. When you feel under threat, this protector spirit takes over. It’s angry. It wants to protect you from liars, from people trying to control you or dominate you." You created it when you were a kid. It’s not helpful to say you have a ‘bad temper’; it’s a vigilant protector and it goes all the way to 10 when you feel threatened.”
A kid and their protector spirit - particularly how they might see it.
At this point, I was curious. “So I created this?”
“Yes Daniel. You created it to protect you. It’s not dark or evil but it behaves in a way you don’t need anymore.”
“Ok. So how do I get rid of it?”
Yep. This was my answer.
“Getting rid of it” is typically the Western society trained response. I have a bad thing = I must get rid of the bad thing.
But this intelligence is not inherently ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. This is a security system equivalent, programmed by a child. Would you hire a small child to program an adult level security system? Probably not. But it’s a good thing they can do this to cope with a dysfunctional environment, otherwise they might lose grounding or whatever form of sanity they can live through in a space they may not be able to protect themselves meaningfully.
A small child can’t get up and leave in a dysfunctional environment without being vulnerable to scary forces. They can’t fight back an abusive adult. They don’t have the presence or vocabulary to engage in a thoughtful discussion with an adult who might be a bully, or simply unaware of their issues. Even if they did, an adult with a manipulative controlling response would probably gaslight them or deny their point in other ways.
So the kid, or you when you were a kid, codes a program within the mind, physiology and emotional system to work in tandem in commitment to avoid, numb or deny an uncomfortable feeling. Or they action patterns to move toward a feeling that medicates the uncomfortable. Or as the Vedic scholars teach it; ‘craving and aversion’.
WHAT INSPIRES THE NEED FOR SECURITY?
Another way to comprehend this is to see the types of questions that a child might ask in their own mind. Obviously this is a short-list, but the underlying theme is a creation strategy in maintaining the feeling of safety:
Do I feel vulnerable?
Are they yelling at me?
Did they break a promise they made?
Did they do the twitch that usually pre-empts them throwing something?
Are they acting like they are free to do whatever they want to hurt me?
If the answers are “yes” to any of these, this child probably did not feel safe. And they internalized a negative belief about themselves too, such as:
“I am a failure”
“I am weak”
“I am unloved”
And more…
To follow, here’s an example of strategic responses and adaptations that might activate. It’s usually something in the fight, flight, fawn, freeze categories:
“I should act docile and be very gentle. Maybe that will calm them?”
“I should yell louder and let myself act crazy so they can be more scared of me than I’ve been of them.”
“I should cry and scream so they know how painful it is. I will also break a promise to them next time so they know how it feels.”
“I should scream so everyone can hear me, and hopefully someone can come to my rescue.”
“I will play dead so they stop.”
This type of stuff is common in an environment containing abusive behaviors.
The Western medical industry might categorize this structure of behaviors as a ‘bipolar disorder’ type, or a ‘personality disorder’ type where a kid learns to make themselves “big”, angry, uncontrollable and crazy to discourage the bully parent.
“These labeled conditions are not permanent diseases, but rather adaptations we create to survive”.
They are rarely - far as I’ve seen - a permanent condition. To the Western industrial medicine way, built on Freudian concepts of infinite naval gazing, and curatives that ignore nutritional deficiencies, physical health habits and more… there are many paths to transforming these internal protectors and their security systems.
Unfortunately, the one outcome of creating these protections - also termed as ‘coping mechanisms’ - is fragmentation of the self. Over time, it can feel quite disorienting.
In the context of being able to self-guide your path to being whole - not fractured, here’s the path I recommend (short hand).
DECONDITIONING TO THE POINT OF BEING ABLE TO TRUST YOURSELF AGAIN
This is the most important goal in my experience, as from it, we are able to self-direct for the most part. We go from the victimized kid to the capable adult.
We are constantly subjected to conditioning throughout our days through newsmedia, ads, movies, cultural concepts, religion etc… To be without conditions is quite an accomplishment.
So the goal is enough deconditioning where there’s a comfortable level of self trust, which opens up basic intuitive efficacy for the self, and helps with restoring the liking of self again. When we don’t trust ourselves, it’s tough to trust when an impulse is for our benefit or not, and second guessing and regret will typically occur.
Even questions like this can be a struggle without self-trust. But with it, you can implement reliable and effective intuition for actually useful self care.
What is best for me to eat?
What do I actually want to do?
What do I enjoy?
Why did I think I would enjoy this other thing?
Can you intuitively decipher what your body wants you to eat - not addiction or anxiety?
And so on…
TLDR : At least decondition the bits in you that control how you trust yourself.
BEYOND THIS?
It’s work to integrate the lessons from the trauma you experienced, and self-initiate those parts of you into a state of acceptance, appreciation and trust. It can’t be forced and there’s many ways to go about it.
My piece on healing will help.
As I learn more about healing, i realize the only common threads are phases of the process. And the end game isn’t a person removed of conditions in the sense of someone who is without triggers, but rather someone who can navigate a wealth of discomforts, feeling and accepting them fully but without reaction or falling into disempowerment.
The wisest masters I met were fully present in the mundane and the challenging aspects of life. The differentiator is they simply could be present and not be toppled. They found grace in pain and somehow saw it as a gift to evolve and be better.
That’s not something that can be faked. It takes time, gentleness with self, and enough genuine embodied wisdom to see every difficult and challenge as an opportunity for growth. Eventually.
Powerful spiritual healing is a process of deep authenticity and it takes presence, exposure, honesty, grace, sometimes grit and whatever unique traits make you, you. Finally - a desire to grow, evolve and experience more of what ‘love’ actually is.
At least that’s my take on it today. Ask me again in a year.
HOW TO WORK WITH THE PROTECTOR SPIRIT?
Acknowledge that it was built by you. For your safety. It was an act of love and it may have mutated into a part of you that’s been tough to love. Even if it’s what you’d consider “an absolute prick”, find the remembrance of why it came to be and the many ways it did protect you successfully.
Through that gate of growth, compassion will naturally arise and you’ll likely see yourself (and others you remind yourself of) through more appreciation than self-loathing.